This dress was meant to end up on your floor
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
