I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize