My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Randomize
