Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
