Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
