You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
