I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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