I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
