I never want to see another naked old woman again.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
