my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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