i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
