If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I look better un-naked...
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
