my phone needs a breathalizer
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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