i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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