Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
