his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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