dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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