My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
