I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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