I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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