I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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