i'm lost and i look like a hooker
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
