Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
