The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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