i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
