I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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