the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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