What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
