Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
