what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
