Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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