i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
