im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
