just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
