R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
