Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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