I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
