trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I don't want my vagina anymore.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
