can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
