I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
birth control should be required to get into college
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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