Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Randomize
