Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize