All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
