i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
