I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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