I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize