Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
