this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
