I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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