I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
