ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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