Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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