is your mom at the bar?
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You're a waste of cheezeits
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
