im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize