Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
