apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
